Altered Resiliency

Writing is My Solace

I have heard the phrase “Ebbs & Flows” a lot throughout my life, but more in the past 9 months of my current position than ever. You see I work in the staffing industry now as a Recruiter who helps staff Office Services (IE, HR, Accounting, Admins, CSRs, etc) and I am embarking on this industry during a time where there are more jobs open than there are people to fill them.

At first, I didn’t realize the major challenge I was embarking on as we struggled to get people in the door every day resulting in the businesses we work with experiencing major financial hardships. As someone who actually enjoys going to work (I know this is controversial nowadays) I am thoroughly baffled at the amount of people who try to get fired, no call no show, ghost, and treat us like shit.

For instance, each and every day I identify people based on their skills, experience, and potential to do amazing jobs with long-term opportunity yet I get treated like I am below them when I do this because I like to help people.. Let me repeat, I do my job because I like to help people.

Some weeks though it’s not event the associates who are assholes, its our clients. I’ll get spoken to like I’m stupid because they missed an email, they’ll ghost me because “they’re too busy but need help so desperately”, or come back to me weeks later because the position and no longer need my help.

In June 2020, prime COVID time, I graduated from college. At that time I applied for hundreds of positions and heard back from less than 5 hiring managers. It took me all the way until October of 2020 to finally have an employer be interested in me and what’s funny is now I’m being headhunted on the daily.

From my experience as a job seeker and a Recruiter I have come to the conclusion to not give up, but also to accept things you cannot change. Actions do not match what the “SOS NEED HELP ASAP” signs. People don’t want to work. You cannot blame yourself for the actions of others. And last but not least, Don’t forget to breathe.

All of this may just seem like a jumbled mess that is probably easy to fix, however it can distract me from the fact that outside of my work life and even my work day, I need to collect myself. I often find myself completely ignoring what I need and become completely engulfed in the ebbs and flows of everything else.

My mental health lately has been a bit rocky but prior to therapy I wasn’t able to recognize when I was on the way to a crash. At least I can feel it right now which is telling me I need to slow down a bit and take a few deep breaths.

You should too.

-J

It’s been awhile since I have sat down to write anything. I constantly have thoughts that I want to capture in writing, but struggle to sit down and do it. Mostly though, they come at times when I am working, don’t have access to write, or I am doing something autonomously. I love writing but mostly the writing I do is business writing like emails.

Where to even begin. Some of my earlier posts I wrote about my struggles of finding a new job and being absolutely miserable in my job. Well, I find a job that I love and left my soul sucking corporate america job. Now day to day I help people and am getting one step closer to my career job day by day.

With that being said, I am heavily experiencing imposter syndrome. Truth be told, I have heard that saying go around a lot but never really looked into the true meaning of it. However, in my cycling class (yes, I’ve joined that cult and I love it) the other day, when it was near the end our instructor started touching on that subject. She gave a loose definition of it and I started crying as I hit 150 rpm on my bike (it could’ve been mainly sweat).

After this class I looked up the definition and did some internal reflection. For most of my life I had absolutely no stability and just this past year I was diagnosed with PTSD (yay for finally dragging my ass to therapy) and I have been doing a lot of self-reflection. Most sessions were full of tears and digging into my brain in ways I have always been told makes you weak, but I have made great progress.

Yet, here I am feeling like a damn Imposter in Among Us. I got a new job in November in this past year, I came in and absolutely started rocking it, I ramped up our social media presence, helped establish some processes, and actually get my voice heard on the daily. I highly suggest working for a small business if that’s the path you want to take. I got a promotion in May, and my Owner and Manager look to me for leadership, ideas, and constantly look to me to step up.

I feel that I don’t deserve it though. It makes me uncomfortable to have the spotlight on me as I feel like there is always something I could be doing better. Public compliments I often follow up with a “well it’s not that good” or “it could’ve gone this way” as that little voice in my head is constantly beating me up. My therapist said I am too hard on myself, but aren’t we all?

I mean I LOVE that I am being seen as such an asset and someone they want to help reach their goals but I feel like I am a fraud? Like I am never good enough? No matter how well others may say that I am doing I still feel like it’s not good enough. I have a very strong work ethic and get shit done and aim for higher but what am I even going for?

I am one of the few people at my work who has a bachelors (let alone 2) and I feel as if in a way they put me up on a pedestal that I don’t deserve. Am I deserving? Am I actually worth the praise? I absorb so much information, I take criticism, and I work smarter day by day yet in myself I feel like there is something I am not doing right.

The source of my PTSD is childhood trauma, abandonment, and lack of praise (amongst many other things I don’t care to get into at the moment). Growing up I always received awards for my school work, sports, extracurriculars, etc but no one was ever there. My family was so broken that I wasn’t even a consideration as they were so busy with the real fuckups in the family. Idk if it stems from this, but I always felt as if I wasn’t deserving of anything, not even appreciation and now I am in a place where I am getting it… I am lost.

I haven’t been to therapy in awhile. My therapist said she was leaving the clinic in August and I got so panicked that I skipped some sessions as she has been a constant since last October when I finally pulled the trigger to go. Is the saying pulling the trigger even acceptable anymore? If it isn’t, I am sorry but it’s the only analogy I can think of at the moment.

Maybe I am just spewing absolute nonsense and I don’t know what I am talking about. Fuck it, this is on my brain and this is my space to let it out when I need to. I am reaching that point where the thoughts are stopping, which means I should probably go to bed since I need to be up at 5am. Oh well, hopefully I made sense.

Do any of you know how I feel?

-J

I had just woke up from a really bad dream at 2:47am on February 11. In my dream I am unsure what specifically started it but it was involving seeing beings in mirrors.


I was with some other people and we were discussing things and they seemed very disconnected from reality and then I sauntered off by myself and saw something in my rooms’ mirrors like a dark looming figure in the background. However, my room was a merge of my current one and one of my childhood’s and there were 3 mirrors.


I went back to the people which was in my child hood home, one of the recurring locations of my dreams. My mom was there Trying to comfort me as I was panicking. I then went outside and up on the hill where we had our vegetable garden, there was this same figure staring at me form afar. They were dark in shape and had glowing white eyes. They didn’t move but stared intently at me. The dream then shifted to me running back crying and screaming and the few individuals from the beginning who looked like childhood family friends just disappeared seemingly uncaring.


When I went back in I was hysterical my mom started to comfort me as no one else remained. I told my mom how I hate scary movies, they always give me nightmares, as they’ve always heightened my already active sleeping mind.


The dream then shifted again to me being alone in my strange room now and I turned all of my mirrors around. I don’t know why this dream felt so revolved around the mirrors but I wouldn’t even look in them at this point.


The dream ended with me being alone in my room with my partner wishing my mother was there as comfort. It felt more lighthearted but the adrenaline of the dream events were still there as I then woke up hyperventilating.


I don’t know why this dream occurred but I do feel as if I need to look into the meaning of all of the mirrors in my dream. Does anyone have insight on what this could have been?

-J

Last night I dreamt I was standing atop a wall in some place that looked like it was some eastern country? The wall was dividing the city and on the outside there was a bunch of people marching around.

Now when I say a bunch of people it looked like thousands walking in synchronization with one another. They were walking around the wall and the person I was with was talking about the division in the land.

We never looked at the other side but I knew it represented the “wealthier” part of this land. The person I was with was telling me to look out to all of these people as the division was going to cause an uprising due to the unfairness/ lack of resources they had access to because of the wall. I remember feeling slightly terrified and confused at the wall and the amount of people below us.

However, now that I’m thinking about this all it feels like it’s potentially a premonition for what may come to be. We’re starting to see through the access of technology how unjust rulers are all across the world and this felt to me like the oppressed need to ban together and fight this.

Those in power have been corrupted regardless of if they’re aware of it and the divisions continue to grow. It’s only a matter of time before we see an uprooting of the system.

I have these vivid dreams so often and hardly ever write them down, I always receive messages and things seem to come true. Should I share them with you more?

-J

Hello, it’s been awhile but I am still here. I recently was remade aware of things I was already aware of but turned a blind eye to. I was listening to this amazing podcast called Accessible Astrology which is hosted by Eugenia Krok. In her most recent episode, she touched on a lot of great topics but one of which that really opened my eyes was the affect of social media on us.

We have gotten to a point as a society where we have accepted nearly anything without questioning it. The long list of ingredients in the food we eat, news, political leaders, digital receipts & currency and social media terms & conditions.

I am at a very weird in between age as I am 22 in less than a week and I am in that age bracket that still remembers dial up and a time before smart phones/ social media. I am decently tech savvy, can problem solve when I am not, and know that not everything I see on the internet is true.

That’s the biggest thing I have seen this past year is that people really are very quick to believe things without research. It has created mass hysteria, false accusations, and doxxing of undeserving individuals. Yet, we sit here and claim to all be so righteous and think we are sticking it to the man when we continue to support platforms that have finally got the balls to tell us that they are doing whatever they want with our data.

The funny thing is, now we are actually accepting to consent to this but since we all have been conditioned to have the attention span of a goldfish, we don’t even bother to read as it’s too much text. It feels too intentional. After so many years of instant gratification through social media and viral trends that change in a minute, they basically knew this wasn’t going to matter to the mass.

Did you know that Zuckerberg has been going to small coastal towns around the US to use underwater cables for “world connection” purposes? Did you know that some LG TVs have cameras? Did you know that the FBI has been pushing to get back end access to apple products? Yeah, I bet you maybe had heard of these things but never looked into it.

We have been conditioned this way its not your fault.

One of the things that is really baffling to me is seeing the ignorance behind people who get in arguments on social media and link “sources” without reading them. They read the title which is often used as clickbait but most people don’t understand that concept.

Maybe I do because I took several advertising/ marketing classes and wrote one too many research papers. Or maybe I just enjoy reading and only speaking on things I educate myself about. The world may never know.

Regardless of it all, I have decided to delete Instagram off of my phone and I am considering cutting back on other social media platforms as well. I know that it would literally take billions of people to follow suit and my small stance won’t do anything, but it won’t weigh on my conscience knowing that I am supporting these platforms. So, if you know of any social media companies that haven’t pulled a Dorian Gray on us please let me know.

-J

Currently struggling to hold it together as I write this through tears. For the past few days I have been feeling the onset of one of my infamous mini meltdowns as I call them.

I think this is the first time I have actually recognized feeling one of these actually come on. Work has been more dreadful than usual, I have been fighting back tears for days, and I’ve been isolating myself more than quarantine requires.

It’s October 1st, which is the start of one of my favorite months, yet I feel absolutely lifeless. I cried so hard earlier I flared my asthma up and had a coughing fit and had not one single moment to relax during work.

You’d think I’d be happy as I have a few interviews upcoming, but when these overwhelming feelings hit me it’s hard to count my blessings. On a slightly more related note, I begin therapy in a few weeks. I found out last week that I was approved which instantly made me cry.

It’s kind of weird, it makes me happy that I finally spoke up to my doctor after years of silent suffering but also its scary because I was accepted. Obviously, something is wrong with me, right? As I answered their screening questions I was shaking. Like, I was so timid and anxious but apparently I said something right? Or wrong?

I told some people in my family I am beginning therapy and the reviews have been mixed. Mom said she thinks I probably don’t need it and Dad asked me if I thought it made me weak. Does it make me weak? I never ask for help, but I did?

Has everything I have pushed down for so long finally erupted to the point where it’s hard to function properly for a week straight? Am I going to find out why I get this way? Will I be able to be helped? Or am I far beyond help?

I don’t even know if this post makes sense as I am trying to make sense of what I am currently feeling. However, I created this space to be able to express all that I am going through day to day. Today is fckn hard.

-J

Categories: life

I was recently reflecting on one of the many conversations I have had with people, more specifically my family, when I was told that I was too open-minded. This person specifically told me that if I am too open-minded that I will not have any strong ideals or morals to hold onto as I will be easily swayed.

This really bothered me as I was thinking about what it means to be open-minded. When I say that I am open-minded I am not saying that I do not have ideals, beliefs, morals, and even biases that I unconsciously carry with me. To me, this means that I am open to learning about things I do not fully understand, learning someone’s mindset behind an action, and being open to new ideas as things are fluid.

This conversation in particular was about the racial climate in the US and how there is so much unlearning and learning to be done. I can say that growing up, the history I learned in school was not what it should have been. It was one-sided and didn’t go in-depth on the more important topics. The education system was more concerned with us learning the name of every president and the land they conquered rather than learning the ugly truths on how that came to be.

We were taught the KKK was a thing of the past, that the Civil Rights movement in the 1960s was 100% successful and that the US is the best country in the world.

I chose to base part of my higher education around international and global studies and a learned a lot about the US I probably never would have. I learned the origins and reasoning of why we have bananas at our fingertips in the store, the Latin American ban on US meddling, and countless other atrocities that the US has involved themselves in to gain advantage of third world countries.

Those are topics for another day though. Today I just want to reflect on why I choose to have an open-mind. For starters, no matter how educated you may feel on a topic, there is always going to be someone who is smarter than you. A lot of times I see people get into heated discussions on many topics and refuse to hear the other parties points.

Rather than ask to be educated they go with “you’re wrong” and even personally attack them. I wish it would be less attacking and be more “I had no idea about that, can you educate me more on the topic?” Why is it so difficult for people to admit they don’t know everything? Why do close-minded people flock together and attack those willing to learn?

This is just an opinion but I truthfully think it can trace back to Pluto’s Allegory of The Cave. If one person strays from the “norm” and “accepted” way of things EVEN if that is the truth they often become persecuted. Newsflash, many great things come from enlightening yourself on the many truths in the world. It’s so easy to do a little bit of education and take a minute to reflect and listen to someone/ something to see that.

I am not saying to completely abandon your ideals, as the person who sparked this post seems to think, I am just saying be open to learning. We literally have a world of education available at our fingertips if we seek it out. Some of my favorite people in this world have grown up in all different parts of it. The conversations we have had to educate ourselves on each other’s culture, ideals, interests, etc have been amazing.

Growing up, I would never have thought that people who come from all sorts of backgrounds could truly form friendships. This is partially due to growing up in a small town where everyone and their mom knows everyones mom and their mom. You can make any assumption you’d like about that.

Be willing to learn. Be willing to forgive. Be willing to be vulnerable. Be able to accept being wrong. Be willing to educate yourself. Be willing to challenge yourself.

Be open-minded

-J

How is it that I am part of the department that pushes all the legal paperwork and processes confidential information but the interns make more than I do?

Why is it that I get pushed to my mental capacity but the partners in my company have their lowest paid employees do all the heavy lifting?

I get it the hierarchy of the corporate world means to work your way up for less responsibility, but to me it seems like it’s work your way up to work others to death.

I’ve just graduated with two degrees and two certificates in 3 years yet I didn’t even get $1 raise upon graduation.

How is it that the position within my company thats technically one step above me makes $15k more than I do?

Why is it that when the replaced the woman in that position with a man (with the same qualifications) that he makes $10k more than she does?

Why is it that they promised expansion of my interests in my field upon graduating yet for the past 3 months I remain without any timeline of when that may be?

These are the questions that I’m sure are circulating through many individuals brains as they enter this thing call “adulting” post education.

In a prior post I reflected on my current job searching and the struggles I face day-to-day within this current company of mine. However, I refuse to quit and remain in this miserable cycle that begins every Monday until I find a better opportunity.

I am only 21, yet I feel as if the mental and emotional stress that I’ve experienced within this job has aged me 50 years.

Sorry I haven’t posted in awhile I’ve been moving into a new place and trying to settle when you don’t have enough hours in the day to breathe is difficult.

-J

Categories: life

I am sure that if any of you have other social media platforms that you have probably seen some of the posts saying something along the lines of “If you succeeded in what you wanted to be when you grew up, what would you be?” Typically the responses are police officer, scientist or astronaut.

These are fun posts as it shows the optimism of a young child when they have the world ahead of them. However, I don’t recall having a childhood dream. I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up.

There are a few factors that I am trying to draw from for why that might be.

The first being that my dad was a Commercial Fisherman who was never home. He was one of those big shot skippers who ran a huge boat most of my childhood. Whenever he was home I was so happy but it was fleeting due to the demands of the job.

The fishing industry relies heavily on when certain seasons open. For example, every damn year crabbing season is delayed due to the crabs not having enough meat content or too acidic. It’s a strange time. The industry is also heavily reliant on the weather.

This is the biggest factor because certain conditions can render it to unsafe for smaller boats to go out. This is typically why they all travel together. Every fisherman in a town knows each other.

This gives the larger boats an advantage as they are equipped for long-term ocean excursions that the smaller boats are not. To stop it there, the fishing industry is slowly dying and it breaks my heart that my father is struggling as much as he is to even catch a damn salmon.

So to my next point, my mom didn’t really work – like at all. With my dad being gone all the time, my mom was always home. I am grateful she was but there is a lot more to that than I care to delve into right now.

Without a steady working influence in my life, I had no idea what sounded like my passion as a young child.

I am trying really hard to think of a time when I was actually asked what I wanted to be by an adult. It feels like such a hazy memory that I am not sure if it is even mine or one I am pulling from something I have seen somewhere. I am that disconnected from it.

What I think I remember is a group of young kids all sitting criss-crossed and what not around an adult who came into the classroom as a guest. I think this said adult went around asking the question and I swear to god everyone had an answer. When it finally was my turn I was so preoccupied in listening to the other children’s dreams that I realized I didn’t have one.

How could I not have a dream? How could I not have some fantasy of growing up and saving the world?

I just wanted to grow up

What’s wild to me is the fact that I truly didn’t know what I wanted to do even when it was time for college. My broken childhood just led me on a path to do something – anything.

I pursued a business degree because I loved working and helping others. To me this promised a fulfilling career. I tweaked it a bit to emphasize on HR and Management with an International focus by the end. Sounds pretty good on paper, yet here I am still lost.

I wouldn’t say I am entirely lost but it is really hard right now as I am trying to launch my career in a time with so many struggling day-to-day to put food on the table. I feel selfish as I have a stable job but I hate it.

I would ultimately love to do business or career consulting while dabbling in non profit work. Maybe even write a book, who the hell knows? Why is there a stigma that we need to know exactly what we want to do the minute we come out of the womb?

All I’ve got to say is that parents should listen to their children’s interests and passions and be present in them. If they want to be an astronomer hell get them a telescope and constellation book. Let them discover what truly interests them, don’t ignore it as those years as so vital to building the foundation of who they are.

I wish I could’ve explored more passions and had the support to know I could if I wanted to. However, I don’t at the same time because I wouldn’t be who I am today or be here writing this.

If you feel that you don’t know what it is you want to do with your life, don’t be afraid to fail and try again. We are only in this body once and it is important that we do not spend our time here wishing for something else.

-J

Lately I have been having a lot of thoughts going through my head. Usually, before I fall asleep I get the most creative ideas that I wish I would write down. However, when you’re in that almost asleep state when you struggle with insomnia, it’s not a smart idea to wake the beast.

Thinking back to my childhood, I always had a book in hand. In fact, I was so adamant about the Accelerated Reading books that schools used to make you feel like you’re advanced was my everything. Am I dating myself in this reference or showing how young I am?

Reading always came naturally to me. I always read at and advanced level in my younger years and I almost felt like it was an internal competition to keep indulging myself. Through the years I found that my go to genre was fantasy. From Gregor the Overlander to Fablehaven my mind was never satiated.

Reflecting on my childhood choices, and even today’s, I realized that it is much easier to live in a world where the impossible seems possible. It has always been my escape from the ugliness that exists in the world. As a child, my household was not very stable to put it lightly and so books were my comfort.

In my school years, more specifically high school, I found myself overjoying at the thought of creative essays and writing. Most people dreaded these tasks that I knew, but words came easy to me. I could get a topic and think on it for a week or so and make mental notes of my plan of attack. I almost always excelled.

When it came the time to decide what my next steps were after high school, I chose college and began on the journey of scholarships. Due to my childhood home life, I found myself down a path where I could write on my own experiences.

My senior year of high school, I wrote a specific essay that brought my english teacher to tears. She told me that my ability to draw emotion to my story yet separate myself at the same time was a difficult task. She told me to write about my life.

I still think about that a lot to this day, although I don’t know if I ever could take on such a task. Writing gives me peace, but diving into the journey of my life and childhood is not so easy. However, I have found myself privately writing on this blog for the past few years.

I had never taken it serious, yet here I am putting my poor writing out into the world. Emphasis on the poor writing as punctuation does not matter to me as much when I am releasing the thoughts on my mind. By putting my endless thoughts into a permanent place I feel relief.

I am by no doubt one of the biggest over-thinkers in the world, but I also feel the weight of everyone’s emotions around me so heavily it can be exhausting. I am always that friend others turn to for advice and I always seem to be able to give it without taking it myself. Conflicting yet true.

So that brings me to here, the place where I can just write about anything I want. What’s funny is I have absolutely no rhyme or reason to the things I want to write usually. Half the time I came on here it was during a panic attack to calm myself or just write randomly from time to time.

Only the last few days have I realized my passion for writing, much like reading, will not be satiated. I hope to continue to write my thoughts as well and continue to wherever they take me.

-J