Some Days are Hard

Currently struggling to hold it together as I write this through tears. For the past few days I have been feeling the onset of one of my infamous mini meltdowns as I call them.

I think this is the first time I have actually recognized feeling one of these actually come on. Work has been more dreadful than usual, I have been fighting back tears for days, and I’ve been isolating myself more than quarantine requires.

It’s October 1st, which is the start of one of my favorite months, yet I feel absolutely lifeless. I cried so hard earlier I flared my asthma up and had a coughing fit and had not one single moment to relax during work.

You’d think I’d be happy as I have a few interviews upcoming, but when these overwhelming feelings hit me it’s hard to count my blessings. On a slightly more related note, I begin therapy in a few weeks. I found out last week that I was approved which instantly made me cry.

It’s kind of weird, it makes me happy that I finally spoke up to my doctor after years of silent suffering but also its scary because I was accepted. Obviously, something is wrong with me, right? As I answered their screening questions I was shaking. Like, I was so timid and anxious but apparently I said something right? Or wrong?

I told some people in my family I am beginning therapy and the reviews have been mixed. Mom said she thinks I probably don’t need it and Dad asked me if I thought it made me weak. Does it make me weak? I never ask for help, but I did?

Has everything I have pushed down for so long finally erupted to the point where it’s hard to function properly for a week straight? Am I going to find out why I get this way? Will I be able to be helped? Or am I far beyond help?

I don’t even know if this post makes sense as I am trying to make sense of what I am currently feeling. However, I created this space to be able to express all that I am going through day to day. Today is fckn hard.

-J

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