Altered Resiliency

Writing is My Solace

It’s been awhile since I have sat down to write anything. I constantly have thoughts that I want to capture in writing, but struggle to sit down and do it. Mostly though, they come at times when I am working, don’t have access to write, or I am doing something autonomously. I love writing but mostly the writing I do is business writing like emails.

Where to even begin. Some of my earlier posts I wrote about my struggles of finding a new job and being absolutely miserable in my job. Well, I find a job that I love and left my soul sucking corporate america job. Now day to day I help people and am getting one step closer to my career job day by day.

With that being said, I am heavily experiencing imposter syndrome. Truth be told, I have heard that saying go around a lot but never really looked into the true meaning of it. However, in my cycling class (yes, I’ve joined that cult and I love it) the other day, when it was near the end our instructor started touching on that subject. She gave a loose definition of it and I started crying as I hit 150 rpm on my bike (it could’ve been mainly sweat).

After this class I looked up the definition and did some internal reflection. For most of my life I had absolutely no stability and just this past year I was diagnosed with PTSD (yay for finally dragging my ass to therapy) and I have been doing a lot of self-reflection. Most sessions were full of tears and digging into my brain in ways I have always been told makes you weak, but I have made great progress.

Yet, here I am feeling like a damn Imposter in Among Us. I got a new job in November in this past year, I came in and absolutely started rocking it, I ramped up our social media presence, helped establish some processes, and actually get my voice heard on the daily. I highly suggest working for a small business if that’s the path you want to take. I got a promotion in May, and my Owner and Manager look to me for leadership, ideas, and constantly look to me to step up.

I feel that I don’t deserve it though. It makes me uncomfortable to have the spotlight on me as I feel like there is always something I could be doing better. Public compliments I often follow up with a “well it’s not that good” or “it could’ve gone this way” as that little voice in my head is constantly beating me up. My therapist said I am too hard on myself, but aren’t we all?

I mean I LOVE that I am being seen as such an asset and someone they want to help reach their goals but I feel like I am a fraud? Like I am never good enough? No matter how well others may say that I am doing I still feel like it’s not good enough. I have a very strong work ethic and get shit done and aim for higher but what am I even going for?

I am one of the few people at my work who has a bachelors (let alone 2) and I feel as if in a way they put me up on a pedestal that I don’t deserve. Am I deserving? Am I actually worth the praise? I absorb so much information, I take criticism, and I work smarter day by day yet in myself I feel like there is something I am not doing right.

The source of my PTSD is childhood trauma, abandonment, and lack of praise (amongst many other things I don’t care to get into at the moment). Growing up I always received awards for my school work, sports, extracurriculars, etc but no one was ever there. My family was so broken that I wasn’t even a consideration as they were so busy with the real fuckups in the family. Idk if it stems from this, but I always felt as if I wasn’t deserving of anything, not even appreciation and now I am in a place where I am getting it… I am lost.

I haven’t been to therapy in awhile. My therapist said she was leaving the clinic in August and I got so panicked that I skipped some sessions as she has been a constant since last October when I finally pulled the trigger to go. Is the saying pulling the trigger even acceptable anymore? If it isn’t, I am sorry but it’s the only analogy I can think of at the moment.

Maybe I am just spewing absolute nonsense and I don’t know what I am talking about. Fuck it, this is on my brain and this is my space to let it out when I need to. I am reaching that point where the thoughts are stopping, which means I should probably go to bed since I need to be up at 5am. Oh well, hopefully I made sense.

Do any of you know how I feel?

-J

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