insomnia

Feelings of Isolation

coming from someone who often finds themselves not wanting to leave their bed, i am getting pretty damn stir crazy. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was sitting in week 10 of the quarter getting ready for finals. During my Thursday class final study session, we find out that the University would, in fact, be shutting down all in-person classes the next day…. meaning that the final we all just studied for we would not be taking.

AKA, all of the hard work our professor put into us that quarter would not actually be tested when it came to our final. She was one of the good professors, one of those with their doctorates who are actually passionate about teaching. Thanks, prof, I genuinely wish I would’ve joined the SBA Honors.

Anyways, back to the isolation part. So, I am not loving this whole do everything from home thing. Like, Oregon just went on official lockdown, today. We expected it, they hinted at it all weekend AKA we all went and actually stocked up on the essentials this time.

You might live under a rock, but they tried to pass a stay at the home thing in Seattle that actually failed because there were no consequences of it. Drumroll please, OR consequence is a Class C misdemeanor. That is up to 30 days in jail.

More isolation, you get the point?

So, the only people I have been around are my boyfriend, my roommate, and her boyfriend since this has been going down. Well, minus a few postmates and strangers in the markets. But, to top it off, I have asthma and I have been sick since March 12 and today it is the 23rd.

I’m one of those unlucky ones who when they get any type of virus they get sick for like 2-3 weeks with a lingering cough. Well, hello that’s me and my lungs are lowkey burning. TBH, I haven’t taken care of my health that great in the past year. I have been super high stress with school, clubs, volleyball, working, internships, presenting a club, and so on. Worrying about everything but myself.

It’s a pretty Capricorn thing to do actually. But, because of this, I have been sick more than I typically find myself. So, here I am in the middle of this damn Pandemic that is exposing America’s terrible healthcare system, with my worst asthma flare-up in awhile.

So, I am taking it day by day with my now daily inhaler and doing absolutely everything inside that I can. This kind of derailed, and didn’t truly touch on what I thought that it would but I will just be here day by day as this goes on.

-J

life

dishes

While just washing dishes, I realized the reason why it is such a calming task. When I was a little girl, before living with my grandparents, I used to wash the dishes with my grandma.

She also did her dishes by hand. It was the same routine; every time. On the left of the two-barreled sink, was the dirty dishes and to the left of the sink were the clean ones.

In the left tub, she had her old big tuber ware. You know, the kind where they were supposed to last forever. If I recall correctly, it was a light shade of pink that fits perfectly into the sink.

This was so that we could fill the sink with nice and warm soapy water to clean the dishes with. This was her task. She would always have her sponge and a washcloth to begin cleaning.

My job was the rinsing in the clear warm, above the disposal. I remember this being at night after dinner. Granny was always cleaning and collecting. Her kitchen was beautiful and she was always in it.

I remember that we would be talking the whole time. Just about everything and to be careful with the knives when I rinsed them. It was such a nice time because we got to have a girl talk. She always had the biggest heart too.

I guess that’s why I always like to clean the kitchen. My grandma was always in there cleaning. When she was done we would even get cocoa and toast. My favorite things growing up.

If it wasn’t for her, I am not sure if I would even know what love is. Thankfully, for those dirty dishes, I do. Living with her for a big part of my life really taught me what unconditional love truly is. She would do anything for anyone at any given moment and not everyone can [would] do that.

No matter how big the crime or hurt is, if someone needed her, she would be there. Unconditionally.

 

College Rants

Working in Misery

In June, I began my first internship in my career field. It pays well, it’s experience, and it has been going great – or so I thought.

I was warned from some fellow acquaintances in a group I’m associated with through my school about how the previous girl in this position was yelled at and not treated very well. To the point where she cried. Fast forward to now, I cried 3 out of the 5 days I worked this week.

I don’t just blame it all on my job, granted I’ve had a lot of personal strife going on outside of work, but they definitely didn’t help it at all.

We sat down yesterday to go over what my hours will be when I begin my final chapter of my undergrad career. But, this quickly turned into an unplanned criticism of my work.

See, I wasn’t prepared for them to do this because that’s not what our calendar invited said. Our invite was to go over my schedule, not be a performance check-in.

If it was a performance check-in I would’ve been prepared with my strengths and weaknesses and areas of improvement – like is done for the rest of the company. But you see, I work in the part of the company where we analyze those things (come to the conclusion on your own of what industry it is) and so I guess the rules don’t apply to me.

I was told that a couple minor errors on a rough draft out of 50 or so steps meant that I didn’t have enough attention to detail. It was total criticism. They didn’t look at all of the perfect documents I’d created, but only focused on the negative. Is that supposed to make me feel like I’m qualified? Is it supposed to help me fix my mistakes? Is it supposed to make me want to stay?

No. It does the opposite. Don’t get me wrong, I love constructive criticism and being guided when I’m doing thing wrong, but tearing me down without an action plan is not what I’m here for. I’m not on this career path to be treated like a number. I know that I am capable of improving myself, giving back to the world, and so much more.

I know it’s vague and quite a conclusion from a small check in. But all I have to say is I should’ve listened when I was warned to not take this position. That the previous girl was yelled at until she cried and that there is no culture.

I’m not here to be treated like a number.

I’m a person.

So, in conclusion I’m job searching again. I haven’t told them and I won’t until I find something. I just know that I’m 20 years old, graduating in 1 year. I’m too young with too much life ahead of me to be in an environment that doesn’t have opportunity for growth.